Standard Operetta Procedure? Air on the Snide of Caution? (Time to Punt: A Football Fantasy)

Following the Super Bowl, New England Paidtotryit Coach Bill Hellichecked is slated to take on a new role — in a production of GoOnDoused's delightful operetta "Deflater Mouse."

Coach points the way toward an operatic turn.

It will be the controversial coach's debut on the opera stage,  the Pretentious Roman Numeral Opera Company producer-director announced at a news conference yesterday.

"Are you sure you've found the rat singer for the role?" a famed sports columnist asked incredulously.

"I'm sure I can count on you to puntificate about this, Mr. Doyel a la Carte," said the impresario, emphasizing the prefix. "You'll do it with your usual savoy-fair, of course.  You've had us at fourth down so many times, but we're not as detached from reality as you might think: We've got good field position; we're first-and-tenuto."

"But can Helichecked even sing?" another reporter asked the grim ex-repetiteur, Surly Rude Offbingo.

"We thought of him at first in a major role, like Prince Alloffkey," Offbingo intoned. "But  singing a mezzo part is not his forte, I'll admit. So we're casting him as Fraudsch, the jailer. That puts him close to where he should be, and it's a speaking role."

"But, judging from the way he talks to the press, Helichecked can't even speak very well," Doyel a la Carte pointed out. "It seems, Surly Rude, like you're taking your opera company from bel canto to Bill-can't-do."

"Look, it's 'Deflater Mouse,' it's funny business all the way through," Offbingo rejoined. "Who knows funny business better than Bill?  He'll squeak by."

Another scribe spoke up: "He can't sing at all, and he doesn't speak too well, yet you're taking a chance with him in your penalty-might production of the current season. Seems like a GoOnDoused grave turnover situation to me. Why?"

"It's a big game-ball, no doubt," Offbingo conceded, "but risk is meat and drink to an opera man. I know you media don't care a beanie about opera, and you won't cut Bill any slack for going beyond normal.

"But that's what the Pretentious Roman Numeral Opera Company is going with. Every Paidtotryit fan will be thrilled. If we get great box office with this, we'll bring him back next season in 'A Mashed Ball.' That's why we're hitting the bottom line with Hellichecked."

Surly Rude Offbingo paused, looked around the room superciliously, then said with a smile:  "So, OK, I get it: He can't sing at all, and he fumbles when he speaks."

Another pause. "You can call it the less air of two evils. See you at 'Deflater Mouse.'"